You live life minding your own business and there comes a day when you notice someone for the first time. You always knew that someone but then suddenly he does something that catches your attention. So if you are super spiritual like me, you think errrmaward the Holy Spirit is speaking to me. Lol but listen to me It is just your crazy hormones and stuff.
So today I am going to take you through SEVEN Stages of a CRUSH on someone, Specifically a Christian girl’s version. Take note this article is exclusively based on my experiences and everything my super smart brain cooked up. It is not based on facts. So just enjoy and laugh a little. Just remember I may have exaggerated a little too much and the things I write may and may not have happened exactly as stated below.
1.Stage one: Crush-proof fail
Crush-proof fail. So every girl has a way of keeping unnecessary crushes from infiltrating her heart and it is called crush-proofing your heart. But brace yourself for crush-proof EPIC, EPIC fails. The problem is not liking someone I am sure that is a pretty normal part of being human, the problem is crushing on someone who is saved. But wait before you throw stones at me, first hear me out. The reason why I say this is because when you like someone in the world or someone who does not have a relationship with God, the minute there is an attraction or you notice them you immediately discard it and you don’t dwell on it ever because you know it will never be, unless by some miracle he suddenly gets saved and gets up to your level of spirituality which is very unlikely. So when the guy is worldly it is like you are crush-proof and anything-proof from him. However when that person is born-again there is very little you can crush-proof yourself with. And a crush-proof fail is inevitable. (Mentally shoots myself)...
2.Stage two: He is the one!
After the epic fail the crush starts to sprout like a little flower in spring. And like I said, if you are super spiritual like me, this is the stage were you consult God or in other words you think God is consulting you, and so when I noticed someone significantly that I haven’t noticed before I always think oh my word God is showing me he is the one. But no, no, no get a hold of yourself your mind is playing tricks on you. So stage two HE is NOT the ONE, not every crush you have is from God, I am not even sure if a crush can be from God. (Why do things like crushes even exist God?!!) Crushes are evil, evil, evil!! Pure evil!!
3.Stage three: Exorcism
Stage three after you have affirm the crush is indeed not from God, which never is from God. You do what every Christian would do, EXORCISM! When I start crushing on someone, I always think what evil is this?? I am sure every girl in church can relate to this one, regardless of why you first notice the person, the first thing you do is rebuke and renounce him from your life. “God, I renounce so and so from my life, if he even comes ten meters within my range he will catch fire, I renounce that He is so handsome, I pray he will become ugly in my sight. Amen” True story!
4. Stage four: The whip of God
If you have never heard God speaking to you, just have a crush on someone and you are good to go. Because after you fail to deliver yourself from the evil spirit that is your handsome crush, you will indeed fall into the trap of dwelling on it. And let me tell you, God loves to discipline his children so much, so much so much. And one of the other problems with crushing on someone is when God rebukes you, it hurts. I mean since you like this person you think about them regularly so it is inevitable that you include them in your prayers as you pray for your leaders, your family and friends, you also pray for “Mr. Him” but believe me this will be your anthem from God “Guard your heart, guard your heart” Ouch!
5.Stage five: Mix signals?
Since you have a stubborn nature like me, you not only crush on him but it even turns into a state of limerence. And trust me you don’t want it to get there. So now you try to make some kind of contact hoping he feels the same but oh my word, mix signals!! A guy of interest can give you mix signals. One minute it seems the feeling is mutual and then another time you see “oh wait, he is really just a nice person.” Today he gives you a compliment and you are like “Yes I will marry you!” but then the next day he also compliments your friend in the same way, and you attempt to kill him with beams from your eyes. Just tell me are you just really nice or do you like me too? (This makes me feel like the pots guy, “I just want to know, where are the pots?”)
6.Stage Six: Can we be friends?
At this stage you realize either you die or the person dies because this crush ain’t going away (Crush by David Archuleta style). So at this stage I just genuinely want friendship it does not mean I want you to go down on one knee and propose. Sometimes a girl just wants to become friends with you and get to know you. And as a guy you have a free pass to even pursue friendship with a girl without the church alarms going off, if a girl pursue friendship with a guy indeed the church alarms will go off. Is a Platonic friendship too much to ask?! But it might so happen that the friendship never really works, (By which you probably scared the person off since he is such a friendship phobe) you get to this stage where you are over the crush but you are kinda not, it is called the confusing stage where you are like “Stop being so handsome I am trying to forget about you!” (No explanation needed, just stop)
7.Stage Seven: Free as a HAWK!!
Finally you reach the stage where the crush progressively dies and you are free at last! (Oh happy day) Freedom is such a sweet word. At this stage you actually reassess yourself for mental illnesses because now that you are out of the dome and the scales have fallen off your eyes, you think to yourself but he is actually not that handsome and you compare him to all the handsome TV characters like Clark Kent from Smallville” and you write blogs about it and you laugh out loud, making promises to never crush on anyone again. But good luck with that!!
The whole time I was writing this I was literally on the floor laughing my butt off. What an adventure!! I will never wish for my worse enemy to go through the animosity of a crush.
But let me leave you with some advice:
- Guard your heart! Not just gloat about guarding your heart but actually guard your heart.
- Stay away from Romantic books and movies and soap operas. At least try.
- Stop focusing on outwardly appearance. It is just a box, what you want is the pizza in the box, and sometimes even though the box is really cute the pizza is really bad.☺
- It is okay to like someone don’t be too hard on yourself. God will help you get over it.
- Just don’t dwell on it so much.
- Even if you cannot help it. Don’t put yourself out there for grasp.
- And stop blushing okay.
>> Here is a song Crush- David Archuleta in honor of today's blog post.
